Furious Angels novel (updates and info thread)

I've started writing a novel based on the exploits of various characters from Furious Angels that all ties into an overall plot. The idea is that Trevlac follows the Major Trump Fool's Journey as the story progresses. Obviously it's in mega-draft form with the notes still in the margins and the next two chapters templated but filled with nonsense. Progress:

Chapter 0 - complete
Chapter 1 - complete

Please read it and help me edit this. Suggest any spelling/grammatical errors, continuity errors, and aesthetic mistakes. I'd also love to hear feedback on the plot, ideas, jokes, and suggestions for the future of the novel.

Furious Angels - draft v9

Furious Angels - draft v13

really bad. the way the muses talk sounds extremely forced. especially the way the "teenager" one talks, she sounds like she was written by someone who hasn't spoken to anyone under the age of thirty in over a decade.

honestly, this section has about the quality of a wal-mart novel.

Clarification: Ordin was sent a shitty, earlier draft of this chapter. He hadn't read that file when he posted.

my comments for that section of the part-of-a-book still stands however.

I actually liked it but i found a mistake on page 7 paragraphs 1 & 2 where it mentions Sparta's eyes it should be eye because he is wearing an eyepatch remember

Godamn, out of 5 editors, only you caught that.

Dude, we need to chill soon! We only live 17 minutes apart wtf.

haha ya i know but I work too much and im moving to California in about a year

>moving to California in a year

Is an excuse to not hang out now. What the hell.

Just tell me the next days you don't work, putz. It's almost like you don't want to hang anymore. ;_;

CHAPUTAA ONE. (Second chapter complete)

Has not been edited. Chapter zero has revisions, so you might want to re-read it. Also if anyone can suggest something deus ex machina to replace the goddamn Fates scene, please let me know.

Furious Angels - draft v13

I finished reading the chapter after I got off the phone with you. I have a lot of problems with how it's been written so far.

Your writing style attempts to 'tell' the reader what's happening. In the scene where a group of vampire terrorists are assaulting a cosplay convention, we are told that a female vampire grabs a cosplayer, bares her teeth, and bites his neck.

It's very boring. It feels very distant. We don't feel like we're in the middle of the action, witnessing it as it's happening.

instead of telling the reader that there's a female vampire attempting to bite a cosplayer, SHOW them. for instance

The scrawny man shook with fear, his skin faded to a milky white and he let out a gurgly sort of scream. His neck was clamped between the strange, bulky knuckles of a woman. Her jaundiced eyes seemed to spin in their sockets, growing redder and more maddened the more he struggled.

She lowered her gaping maw near his jugular. He gasped, but it was cut short, a spurt of blood exploded from his vein, dripping down his neck.

Now, I know my version isn't perfect, but it SHOWS the reader what is happening rather than TELLING them. It's much more compelling and interesting, and allows you to use all the flowery language you want, and to sort or just go crazy.

This is really the biggest problem I've had with your book so far, and let me tell you, it's a huge problem. It makes what you've written almost unbearable to read and if I were you I'd take it upon myself to completely rewrite these parts.

I'm currently adding notations to the .pdf to describe specifically what parts are the worst, and what you can do to change them. Both of us are going to have to put in a lot of work to correct this.

I think that once this is fixed the story will really fall together and flow a lot better.

So I pasted my novel into a writing analyzer and

http://iwl.me/b/147eabd8

It says I write like H P Lovecraft. Is this awesome Y/N

I did this too. the thing is fucking broken. hp lovecraft has an extremely specific manner of writing. he writes like my story "the Firmament" (because that short story was supposed to be a duplication of his writing style) but instead I get Dan Brown, the fag who wrote the Da Vinci Code. I've read part of the Da Vinci Code and it's nothing like that.

p.s. is that the professional editor that you sent your writing to? the one who analyzed it and told you who you write like? if so, that's a webpage, not a human. if you're starting to get those two things mixed up you should probably go outside.