by Ordin Sun Feb 01, 2009 12:29 am
I posted this thread as an attempt to get some angst off of my chest, but it didn't work. I'm completely fed up with living. I try my best and it's never fucking good enough for anyone. People either get pissed off at me and say things like "I wish I felt like you gave a shit about anything", "why are you always so depressed? it pisses me off!" and "hey, stop gnawing on my leg, kid! it's fucking weird!"
i also get beat up by police because they think i'm homeless. fuckin' pigs.
thoughts don't come out right unless they're directed as an insult, in which case they come out flawlessly. It seems like my life is made of a massive coagulation of apathy punctuated with atrophic interludes; swelling up into a tidal wave of misunderstanding and constipated regret before it breaks and rolls back, leaving a teratomatic scar of a high-water mark. i lie awake at night wondering if the only reason i'm alive is to mock everyone alive and spew forth mistrust and hatred. There's only one person I care to see happy. With all the others I'm not happy until I make them miserable. It drives me insane.
That coupled with an utterly useless ruin of a planet--mediocre lives filthy with less-than-mediocre people, ungodly laws and regulations at every turn, massive, featureless corporations looming over us at all times of the days.
I came to a startling realization today. Amongst the pseudo-paranoid schizophrenic hallucinations that planes overheard are actually spyplanes and that cats are reporting my actions back to some evil super-power acting to quell anyone who notices the cracks in our golden gardens, I noticed that life is definitely a prison. The businesses are prison cells--you spend 8 hours there, then they send you off to either sleep in your bed or play nicely with the other inmates. The next day you do the whole fucking thing all over again. The only difference is that they give you "money" to "buy" "things" for "yourself" and "others" after dancing around in our respective cells, amusing all the little tourists that wander in, but what does that amount to when you die in forty years?
There are iron rules that everyone MUST follow, and when you're in your cell (or "job" as they call it) there are even more additional rules. There are cameras watching your every move (just like in a prison).
Unless you break one of the rules in a fit of freedom, then in reperation they break the facade and stick you in an actual jail until you decide that there IS a difference once more, and you're neutered and safe to go play with the other inmates again. Bam, discharged.
Even if you don't want to work, you're still in prison. Everything costs money and you have to either steal or beg for change.
To break out you have to get a gathering of people together, where everyone can work together and form a society within our prison society. Then you can be free, until the pigfist comes out and breaks up your coalition. Unless you're lucky and your squat gets turned into a youth house. Fuckers.
Even if I lived 10,000 years ago, before the advent of capitalism, I doubt I would be happy. Life is boring. People are boring. Then there's the added fear that if Christians are right I'll be hanging out with these douchebags in hell for all eternity, as if one lifetime wasn't bad enough.
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