ROGUELIKE

Mobius pulls out his rations and notices they are pie. He then takes the dagger and divides the pi. It becomes an irrational number of rations.

NOM NOM NOM
eat irrational_ration

mobius consumes the pie and is no longer hungry!

also: suddenly a phantom emerges from the darkness! it peers about rather quizzically, quite irate at randomly disturbed from its eternal non-existence to be generated in a dank place like this. its stomach rumbles and then it notices mobius!

with a terrible howl, the phantom attacks! it rolls a 6 and does 6 damage to mobius!

(So I guess I fully heal when I level up?)

sure, why not?

With the gleeful feeling of a pedophile in a daycare center, Twinklewrists seizes his manxome newlong sword. Things are looking up!
He throws open the center door, and sallys forth!!!

Replenish special.

discovering a new way to open doors, twinklewrists (full of purpose) hurls his feet out from under himself and crashes through it with a "tally-ho!" to wake the dead.

beyond the splintered, manic-depressive wooden door twinklewrists finds a corridor. but not only a corridor! he also finds and archway!



also: on a far-away level of the dungeon mobius is given two miracles by his baseball-related god!

Mobius stares the phantom down with the ferocity of an angry Equestrian holding a bucket of half-fried chicken beaks. He appeals to the phantom's sense of morbidity with a tale of his God named Lord Jashin who wants his followers to kill every opposition.

convert phantom

Reisengard, his two trusty partners at hand, switches out his Dagger for his Halberd and,

O iron_door

the phantom feels rather uneasy at the sudden religious attack by his foodstuffs. so uneasy, as it may, that he sighs and decides to play along, lest mobius carries out an inquisition on his family.

phantom converted!

mobius barges through the iron door into a 400 foot square chamber with two iron doors, a bubbling blue potion and a bejewled ring. the ring is encrusted with tortoise shell and has an engraving of werewolves.

Suddenly, Twinklewrists's balls drop!
With a manly toss of his succulent, 8 foot mane of auburn hair, he stalked through the archway, drenching the walls in testosterone.

the dungeon quivers and swoons under the weight of his manliness. she wishes to be battered and verbally abused, and the thought of it makes the dark corners of her labyrinth wet with mold.

with a wink and a "come hither" smile, a staircase leading down and an archway appear before him!

Reisengard claps his two companions on the back and they march forward.

get potion && ring

Then he sends both of his companions, bat first, through the southern iron door and follows them when he's sure it's safe and there are no traps.

O SOUTHERN iron_door

mobius follows the banshee and the bat through the iron door. luckily, the bat suddenly bursts into flames and turns to dust at the hands of a disintegration trap. there are two more wooden doors on the opposite wall.

Softly, the muscular elf caressed the dungeon floor with his supple feet, feeling the masonry tremble with ecstasy. Mold greased the handrail of the inviting stairs as he slipped his fabulous bulk through its twitching, bucking entrance. Every descending step was like a further blast of electricity courseing up from his loins, until he exited, screaming in glory.

Twinklewrists descends the stairs, howling like a constipated rhesus monkey. His howling rouses the wrath of racist boa constrictor. Upon seeing this dirty elf the boa springs into action and begins hissing in the most threatening manner he can obtain.

Also in the room is a fountain of orange water, an iron door, and a red potion.

Man, Davis has been BUSY

Reisengard heard a faint voice in his head say "Man, Davis has been BUSY." and he thought back "No shit. Goddam". Wondering if he was going crazy at the sudden death of bat, he grieved for his lost pal. With a shaky hand, he ushered the phantom (nicknamed Fannie) into the southernmost door.

O SOUTHERN door

mobius and his phantom prance through the door expecting to find a party dedicated to the death of their friend cupcake the bat. what they do find is a party, but one where they aren't welcome.

the void elemental and jelly baby drop their recently acquired party favors and noisemakers and take on a fighting stance.

Like a rabbi at a uncircumcised penis store, Twinklewrists lunges forward with a snarl, his broadsword cutting a lethal arc at the prejudiced python's phallic protuberance.

Attack python

Random number (1,6) : 5

twinklewrist's blade connects with the serpent, striking it for 11 damage! the boa constrictor splits in half, emptying out the contents of it's stomach, a long with a smorgasbord of viscera and muscle. it hisses its dying words of love to its snake-wife and perishes.

a convenient bag, with 2 rations pop out of the wyrm's stomach and fall inches away from the elf's feet, slathered in goo and digestive bile.

Twinklewrists has reached level 2!

I lower my attack rating by 1 to a level of 3.

Feeling the sense of fear trickle up his spine and the trickle of piss down his leg, Mobius orders Fannie to attack the void elemental while he stands back from the fight momentarily.

order phantom attack void_elemental

Fannie the Phantom rolls a 10 and hits the Void elemental for 3 damage!

the Void elemental rolls a 9 and hits Fannie for 27 damage! Fannie evaporates into a puff of smoke and the scream of a million starving Ethiopian children!

The baby jelly rolls a 5 and misses Mobius!

With the grace of a trapeze artist fused with a swan, Twinklewrists grabs his rations, bag, red potion and snake remains.
He next examines the orange fountain, hoping its not full of Carrot Top Spawn.

twinklewrists peers into the fountain and sees orange water. the dungeon commends him for his attention span.